Had a feelin', that it would be a day like this, The Orchestra in my mind don't play like this

Dear Reader,

I guess you won the bet. I had not posted for a few years. I'd like to give you a good reason, but to be honest there probably isn't one. Or maybe there is, but in my mind, its still not good enough. Its easy to have an excuse for everything:

"Sorry boss I was late cuz of blah blah blah"

"No hunnie, technically I did not cheat on you cuz we only went to 2nd base etc. etc. etc."

Don't get me wrong, I think excuses are justified sometimes, however, now is not one of those moments.

Recently I gave up drinking and smoking (cigarettes! the sticky icky was never a habit). I began having too many regrets in my life. Regrets are fine, but they are like unpaid bills. One or two are fine, no big deal. However, if you let them stack up you can find yourself in a shitstorm fast.

By anyhoo, on to the past dear reader. I guess you deserve to know what the last 2 years have held for me. These last two years have been mixed blessings. They have made me appreciate the things I love, but unfortunately some of the bad feelings I have harbored have only gotten more intense. Its funny, most kids (not all! I know some are fucked like me) usually love college. This is typically because they have a party school, a nice mix of kids, or actually did their homework to find a school that fits in well with them. Unfortunately, I did not properly plan it out. I am at a Tech school and for my personality this does not fit well.

I will, IN DETAIL, explain my trials and tribulations, but for now i'll just sum up my experience with one long run on sentence: Hi, my name is Sunny and I go to a school with egomaniac nerds, asshole third rate athletes (not all but some), girls who are 2s acting like 10s (now equipped with new attitude and kung fu grip!), haters, shitty food, and a subpar administration.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not angel myself ;-).

When I couldnt cope I drank. Simply put. Over the years I cut back how much I drank, but I would rarely drink in moderation or in good spirits. When I drank, the asshole I always felt i wanted to be came out. The dude who did whatever the fuck he wanted. Unfortunately, 12 hours later, when the alcohol wore off, the nice guy was left to pick up the pieces. Neither of these people could fully function. It reminded me of TI vs TIP. TI was the so called good one, the sellout who left the streets. TIP was the hard ass n*#@! who wuz and still is hood since day one. Though they come to some resolutions, usually at the end TI and TIP have something else to argue about.

For my analogy I like to refer to sober me as Sundeep and the drunken asshole that comes out as Sunny. Before college, the only person to ever call me Sunny was my brother. During college I became Sunny cuz somebody else went by my high school nickname "Sun". Well Sundeep was the nice kid who got used by "friends", played by girls, was uber polite (too polite!), and who overanalyzed everythink in the world. Basically, Sundeep would never let you down. If you ever wanted to do a bank job, he'd be the man helping you from the robbery to the run-away (but i wouldn't rob a bank, dont get me started on why). Sunny on the other hand was the Tyler Durden of the group. He didn't take bullshit from anyone. If he didnt like you, he'd try to fight you or at the very minimum make you feel like shit.

At the start Sunny did not make too many appearances, but as the alcohol and anger built up it got out of hand. Sundeep's life was spiraling out of control because of the actions of Sunny. Eventually when damage control was a weekly routine, I, uhhh i mean sundeep, (eh you get the fuckin' point) decided to drink less. I believed that drinking less would solve the problem and for at least a good year I thought I was right.

Recently, this May, I began drinking again to "celebrate" the end of the semester. Unfortunately, all those negative feelings were still there. I realized that nothing changed. I was still the same frustrated person I was my Freshman year of college. Though I drank less, I was only limiting these fits, not solving them. That was when I decided to stop drinking and smoking.

Now I know quitting drinking is NOT my solution. Hell, its always nice to drink a beer with a bud, a girl, or when kickin' back with the fam. However, I do not want to drink a beer till I know I have this whole Sundeep/Sunny thing solved. When I'm sober I want to be one person, when i'm drunk I want to be the same person... maybe a bit slower, dumb witted, and sleepy, but the same person no less!

I'm over one week in, I do not think I am ready to drink, but I am making progress.

I cannot make up for some of my past mistakes, but I think common put it best when he said.

"Never looking back or too far in front of me. The present is a gift and I just wanna BE"

It may not be my instant solution, but it sure as hell makes perfect sense to me.

I would proofread/edit this, but I want it to be as raw and truthful as possible. (ok maybe i'm just lazy :D)







(Yeah, I took this part out. Issue resolved :D)


Oh and for all you GTA fans, I let Darko live... go figure.